A few words about depression/suicide

Chris Cornell committed suicide May 18, 2017.

What is depression? Why can it make seemingly successful people suicidal? To people that go through depression like Chris Cornell it is something that is very tangible. A constant beast of burden hanging over them determining the answers to every decision they make. Don't feel like going to work? You should kill yourself. Kind of bored of playing video games? You should kill yourself. Not feeling hungry for the same food in the fridge? You should kill yourself.

It's like having the worst kind of cheerleader in the back of your head chanting the same thing over and over and over:

You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself.

It becomes the standard white noise of your thoughts. The thing that comes up first when you try to empty your mind or think to yourself. The thing that comes up first when you're alone in silence. You learn to live with it, but the noise accumulates when you're at your weakest.

For people like Chris (or Robin Williams for that matter) whose lives are obviously not failures i.e. they are fairly successful and creative, have a fanbase, and are pretty intelligent; it doesn't matter. They will see themselves as utterly worthless and devoid of hope no matter what they do. Especially if things come easy to them. For instance, being naturally able to get great grades on tests or a high GPA without even trying makes the world somewhat dull. Once you realize you're smarter or more creative than most people you get bored and despondent. You become apathetic of challenges and hills that others have to climb.

It's why some people seem unengaged with the world around them. Nothing ever happens, you don't feel anything and everything is just so fucking tedious. Go to work, go to school, come home, wash, rinse and repeat. Forcing people out of their comfort zones helps, but sometimes it just delays the inevitable crash back to reality. "Wow, skydiving was great. Are you ready for work tomorrow?" Immediate buzzkill.

(continued later)

What's next?

What is the endgame?  Oh, what to do from here...  Do I continue to grit my teeth, go to work, stamp my timesheet, come home, pay my bills, give attention to the wife, the kids, then wash, rinse and repeat again?  Or do I push for more?  Do I slam myself back to reality; head begrudgingly in the clouds thinking what could have become without a family to feed and shelter?  Perhaps try to rekindle a lost passion for science or art, dormant after an initial self-betrayal to reenlist in the military.  Like so many particles and anti-particles in deep space, surviving for mere microseconds only to destroy each other and completely disappear; are we, as humans, to continue this perpetual dance of insignificance throughout the annals of history?  Entire lifespans winking in and out of existence with no magnum opus to speak of?

I ain't got time to bleed

List of BJJ related injuries after about 3 months of training:

Hyper-extended thumb:  left and right (each once, different times)
Shoulder dislocation (mild)
Strained right knee (mild-severe)
Left wrist sprain/possible fracture (mild-severe)

When I first started I had these weird pains throughout both my arms and shoulders.  Not muscle pains, but more of a bone ache.  I equated it to the teacher that it felt like my muscles were working so hard that they were going to actually break my bones.  Felt a lot like growing pains.  Perhaps bone density was increasing like muy thai shin strikes, I have no idea.

Currently have a possible broken left thumb.  Popped it really loud while bracing both my body weight and my opponents body weight during rolling/sparring.  Last class I accidentally headbutted a person, struck another with a flailing extremity and got elbowed in the forehead.  Felt bad about the headbutt and sparred about 90 percent after that.  I wouldn't change any of that for the world, though.  The adrenaline rush is too addictive.

There are some people that don't even remember the last time they got injured from physical activity.  That is depressing.  I view my injuries as badges of courage or honor.  Something that proves to myself I'm still pushing hard in life.  And I've decided to continue to train through any injury.  It's just what everybody in class does.  Besides just ask any MMA fighter: they're injured 75 percent of the time anyways, through training and fights.  They just push through them.

Stuff

Gotta work on my art skills...  Used a Wacom Tablet and MS paint.

Boston...

I must maintain my faith in humanity. Through adversity and despair. I must believe that everyday people will combat extraordinary evil with exceptional selflessness and courage. I must believe that a person's willingness to do good overrides egotism, self preservation and allows them to accomplish not the easy task, but the right task. I cannot allow the hatred of a sociopath to cause me to waiver. I must believe in altruism. I must believe in the best of us. For that is the world I want my children to live in.

Missed this 3 years ago

Not only does John Scalzi write some kick-ass Heinlein-esque sci-fi but he shares my views on objectivism. Read this link for what he thinks of Rand's "sociopath porn":

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2010/10/01/what-i-think-about-atlas-shrugged/

Blink and you'll miss me!

Here is the only video evidence of my rasslin' affiliation in South Dakota.  I mainly refereed but did train a bit with these guys.  As with my post on the youtube page, I am briefly walking on the outside of the ring at 0:19.  I'm in the ref shirt, of course.  I think I was with them for at least 3 shows.  Great memories.